by Aimee Sones
For quite some time I’ve had this idea to make a neon sign that spells relinquish(ed), where the (ed) blinks on and off. As a hypervigilant adoptee, for much of my life, I feel like I have had this neon sign blinking above me for the world to see. It wasn’t until I started doing inner work and diving into the layers of emotions that sat beneath the surface, that I identified this worry/paranoia/concern that was screaming silently from within, influencing my emotions and actions. Coming out of the fog and being in physical and virtual rooms filled with other adoptees has helped me make sense of that inner wound that took me decades to identify but never had the courage to speak about.
I attended a series of emotional intelligence workshops a decade ago and we had to reveal what was holding us back, and surprise! — this was the first time I put words to the pain of being relinquished out loud. It fell upon the tone-deaf ears of kind people who were kept but didn’t really get what I was talking about and why it was so painful. Another activity in one of these workshops was to share something that we had never shared before. I spoke about being anxious. Something that was glaringly obvious to friends of mine, but that I never was brave enough to describe out loud.
It took several more years until I was in a space with others who shared my same life experiences, and could mirror back the desire to put words to a non-verbal experience that so many millions of us share, that I began to understand that those of us who have been relinquished have nervous systems that developed differently because of this early shock and trauma to our systems, biology, and lives. How many other adoptees are just trying to “fit in,” but aren’t getting their experiences (and genetics) mirrored back to them?
As I thought more about creating a neon sign that said relinquish(ed), I wondered where it would be seen and by whom. I thought about how wonderful this theme would be for an art exhibit created by adoptees that could coincide with a conference full of adoptees and how much meaning we could make about the topic. How many other adoptees also feel like they have been walking around with this blinking neon sign above their heads? I thought about how nice it would be hanging in a meditation or yoga studio. Isn’t that why so many of us find those practices, because we have things to let go of?
In 2018, the miracle of intuitive meditation found me. I had tried different kinds of meditation and prayer before, but nothing like this. It was like all the lightbulbs were lighting up and I could find myself beneath all the crazy chatter of my adoptee mind. I started to attend meditation workshops and years-long courses. I identified where in my life the energy of relinquishment had caused a tidal wave in my space. I learned how to move it out and get some distance from it.
A few years later, during a meditation class, I looked at what it was like to be in the womb, being carried by a 17-year-old who was full of self-loathing and judgement. This, combined with Stephanie Foo’s book, What My Bones Know (especially the chapter on epigenetics) and my experiences in meditation helped me fit my puzzle pieces together. The keys to knowing and understanding myself were finally available to unlock some of the innermost complexities that I knew were there but didn’t have words to describe. If ancestral pain and personal trauma is held in our cells, how can kindness towards ourselves and mindfulness support us in releasing this trapped pain?
I thought about the conversation outside of “Adopteeland” and the interpretations that might be made and how mindfulness and being present has seeped into our modern culture; about how easy it might be for many people to connect, share, and be vulnerable about letting go of the pain in their lives. I considered language and tenses and how when we are in the present moment we can choose to let go of something, whereas, when “relinquished” is in the past tense (and viewed through a non-adoptee lens) it seems like it could have been a relief and that there was healing around the release. But for many adoptees relinquished has a negative connotation, like being discarded or given away. For those who were kept in their biological families, the act of relinquishing could just be letting go of limiting beliefs, of something within themselves, or even like taking a bag of clothes to the Good Will. The act of relinquishing for those who are not adopted is never themselves, but for adoptees, it was always ourselves, including the mind, body and soul that was relinquished by our first families.
Through the work in emotional intelligence workshops practicing unpacking the unexpressed pain and grief I had been carrying for so long and hundreds of hours spent in meditation and energy healing, I have connected with my innermost self. The Self with a capital “S.” The part of me that existed long before I was relinquished and cannot be damaged by the act of relinquishment. As an adoptee who has struggled with my own value and worth, I was able to connect with my value and worth before I felt like I became “damaged” by the relinquishment. I have an awareness that each one of us can connect with that “Self” which is just waiting to be seen and discovered.
I am whole and complete even though I used to hold the belief that I wasn’t. I have learned to drop, release, and let go of negative beliefs and thought patterns. I am creating new ways of being, thought patterns, and experiences in my life as I see and understand myself as being worthy of having and experiencing joy, self compassion, love and so many other things. It feels good to let go of old patterns of shame and self beat-up and replace them with calm and ease. When the old patterns pop up I am no longer so activated by them, I recognize the pattern and choose something different; like being in the calm in the eye of the storm, rather than being in the tornado of emotions itself.
My personal growth and coming out of the fog has had a significant effect on the artwork I choose to make now vs. twenty-five years ago. Over the course of my career I have worked with many different media including photography, sculpture, metals, glass and more. As an artist who has worked with glass for over 25 years, I thought I could make this neon sign myself. So, I signed up for a neon making course. I didn’t realize how complicated it is to make script out of glass, creating each bend and curve in such a way that spells relinquish(ed), using the above pictured typeface. At the moment, this neon sign exists in my mind and will someday exist in glass. In the meantime, I ponder the ways in which we see ourselves as relinquished people and see ourselves in acts of relinquishing. How do others see themselves in their own act of being relinquished or relinquishing? And how do those on the outside see those who are relinquished or relinquishing?
A lot of wonderful things have happened in my life, including loving and being loved by so many people. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, but I have always had the sense that something was different, and never had the words to describe it. How many other adoptees struggle with the internal knowing that something isn’t quite right and searching for words or ways to express it? How many adoptees have lived, felt, and thought so much about letting go and moving forward like I have? Are we in this practice daily of being relinquished people who are managing the effects this event had on our physiology and lives? Are we all out here in this process of trial and error about what works and doesn’t work to feel or not feel and release the pain we carry?
What are the tools and practices that you choose to use so you can move that picture out of the foreground of your life, like muddy glasses you’ve finally found a way to clean, to access your truest self, your authenticity, joy and passion for the life you have now and want to create. I choose to meditate and clear my space so I can hear my most authentic voice beaming from within. To build, and be in, community and to practice laughing with as many people as I can. What are you choosing to support you in the journey of letting go and moving forward? Are you using “relinquish” in the past, present or future in your life? Who are you when you become the one TO relinquish?
